You think you’re in control. As a comedian, you walk onto that stage, you’ve got your jokes, you’ve got your rhythm, you’ve got your act. You think, “I know what I’m doing.” And then you decide to talk to the crowd, and you’re reminded that you know absolutely nothing, and that humanity is a swirling vortex of beautiful chaos.
Last night, Saturday show, packed house. The energy is electric. I’m feeling it. I decide, “Let’s talk to the front row.”
I see a couple. They look normal. They look clean. This is an important detail.
“Hey, what’s you guys’ story?” I ask. “You together?”
The woman nods, all smiles. “Yeah, eight months.”
“Eight months! That’s great. Where’d you meet? Tinder? Church? A bank robbery?”
The guy, a big dude named Steve, leans into the imaginary mic. “We were neighbors.”
“Oh, neighbors! That’s sweet,” I say. “That’s a real ‘borrow a cup of sugar’ situation.”
And the woman, bless her heart, without a single trace of irony, just… she just says it.
“He helped me get rid of my roaches.”
The record scratch in my head was so loud I thought the sound guy did it. The whole room just… stopped.
“I’m sorry,” I said, “I must have misheard. I thought you said… roaches.” 🪳🪳🪳
She nods. “Yeah, my old apartment was infested. It was horrible. I was trying to spray them, and he heard me screaming and came over to help.”
I am speechless. This is not a rom-com. This is the opening scene of a psychological thriller.
I turn to Steve. “Sir. You heard screaming… and roaches… and you went in? Are you a superhero? What’s your power? No gag reflex?”
Steve just shrugs! He SHRUGS. Like, “Yeah, it’s what I do.”
“So, let me get this straight,” I’m trying to process this. “Your ‘meet-cute’ was a biological hazard. What was the first date? You two just go dumpster diving? Did you just sit in the dark and wait for things to scurry?”
The woman is laughing. “He was so brave! He wasn’t even scared. He just… handled it. I thought it was so hot.”
“It was HOT?” I’m screaming at this point. “Honey, no! That’s not hot! That’s a contamination risk! What did you do, just start making out over a pile of tiny, dead bodies? I am completely unraveled. This is the weirdest, most disgusting, and somehow most romantic thing I have ever heard. I had a whole bit about airplane peanuts, and now I have to go burn it. This show is ruined. Give it up for the roach couple, everybody!”
You can’t write this stuff. #standup #crowdwork #fyp
