This is the official tagline of the human condition, the disclaimer hidden in the fine print of existence. It’s the internal monologue that flashes through your brain seconds before you let out that sharp, barking laugh that you immediately regret.
It’s the cognitive dissonance of the 21st century.
We are raised on a diet of the wholesome. We’re taught about community, altruism, and the beauty of the natural world. We see videos of soldiers returning home to their dogs, of unlikely animal friendships, of babies hearing their mother’s voice for the first time. We crave that warmth. We need to believe the world trends toward goodness.
And then, reality logs on.
Real? Yes. You watch a nature documentary, primed for majesty. Instead, you learn about the cuckoo. The mother bird doesn’t build a nest; it drops its egg into the nest of a smaller, unsuspecting bird.1 The cuckoo chick hatches first, and while still blind, pink, and featherless, it instinctively, methodically, and relentlessly shoves the other eggs—its adoptive siblings—out of the nest, where they fall to their deaths.2 The frantic, tiny host parent then spends the rest of its summer feeding this monstrous, oversized imposter that has murdered its entire bloodline.
This is a successful evolutionary strategy. It is 100% real.
Wholesome? Absolutely not.
And yet… you laugh. It’s not a laugh of joy. It’s a laugh of pure, unadulterated absurdity. It’s the “🤣” emoji in its purest form.
This unwholesome reality isn’t just confined to the animal kingdom. It is the animal kingdom, and we are still very much a part of it.
Real? Yes. There is a documented psychological phenomenon called Schadenfreude: the pleasure derived from another person’s misfortune.3 It’s the little spark of satisfaction you feel when the driver who cut you off gets pulled over a mile down the road. It’s the entire business model of “cringe compilations” and “fail” videos. We sit, mesmerized, watching someone else’s social, physical, or intellectual collapse, and our first reaction is a giggle. We know it’s wrong. We know we should feel empathy. But the algorithm knows better. It knows that, deep down, some ancient, primate part of our brain is just relieved it’s not us.
Wholesome? Absolutely not.
That “🤣” emoji is our only defense. It’s the pressure-release valve for a brain trying to process two contradictory truths: “This is happening” and “This should not be happening.” It’s the laugh of the void. It’s the nervous chuckle you suppress at a funeral. It’s the only logical response to a universe that operates on chaos, brutal efficiency, and pure, unfiltered irony.
We are creatures who built civilizations based on cooperation, art, and philosophy, all while living on a spinning rock where a “zombie fungus” can hijack an ant’s brain and force it to climb a leaf to its death.4
So yes, it’s all real. The parasitic strategies, the social cruelty, the cosmic indifference. And no, none of it is wholesome. But in the face of a reality so profoundly, spectacularly, and creatively messed up, what else is there to do? 🤣
