I love doing #crowdwork. Love it. It’s my favorite part of the show, because I get to talk to y’all. But it’s also terrifying. Because I have no idea what you’re going to say. And I’m not… I’m not in control.
I was in Omaha last week. Good crowd. I’m about 20 minutes into my set, and I see this woman in the front row. She’s got her arms crossed, and she’s not laughing. She’s just… staring at me. Like, not in a mean way. Just… analyzing.
Like she’s trying to figure out if I’m worth the two-drink minimum.
So, I’m like, “All right, I gotta talk to her.”
I walk over. “Ma’am, how you doing tonight? You having an okay time?”
She just nods. One nod.
I’m like, “Okay, okay. What’s your name?”
She goes, “Sharon.”
“Sharon. Great. What do you do for a living, Sharon?”
She leans forward, and she says, “I’m a… I’m in rescue.”
I’m like, “Oh, that’s amazing! That’s noble. Like, firefighter? EMT? You’re saving people?”
And she just shakes her head, and she says, “No. Cats.”
Ah. 🐱
The whole room gets it. The whole room just kind of… Oooohs.
I’m like, “Okay! Cats. That’s great. You rescue cats. So, you’re… you’re a cat lady. Professionally.”
And she scoffs at me. She’s offended. “I’m not a ‘cat lady.’ I’m a ‘Feline Relocation Specialist.'”
Oh, I’m sorry. My mistake. I didn’t realize you were a “Specialist.”
I’m like, “Okay, Specialist. How many… how many ‘clients’ do you currently have?”
She takes a long pause. She’s not pausing to count. She’s pausing to see if she’s going to tell me the truth.
She looks at her husband. He just sinks in his chair. He just shakes his head, like, “Don’t… don’t do it, Sharon.”
And she looks back at me and she says, “Fourteen.”
…Fourteen?
Fourteen is not a “rescue.” Fourteen is an army. Fourteen is a cult. You are one cat away from starting your own sovereign nation of felines!
I said, “Ma’am, you don’t have ‘cats.’ You have a ‘pride.’ You are the crazy, bathrobe-wearing Mufasa of your neighborhood!”
And she’s not laughing! She’s dead serious. She goes, “They need me.”
I’m like, “Ma’am, do they? Or do you need them? At what point do the cats get together and go, ‘I think she’s the one who needs rescuing. She’s not well. Brenda, call 911. Wait, you don’t have thumbs. We’re all gonna die in here.'”
Her husband is crying laughing. He’s gasping. He’s like, “I’VE BEEN SAYING THIS.”
I’m like, “Sir, are you okay? Blink twice if you’re a hostage. Is your name even ‘sir,’ or do the cats just call you ‘The Can Opener’?”
He just shakes his head, “I’m just ‘The Can Opener.'”
I looked back at Sharon. “I’m done. You win. You’re the most interesting person here.”
She just nodded. One nod. And then she went right back to staring. 🐱🐱🐱
