I need everyone to stop what they’re doing and just look at this. Look at the drama. I cannot. I literally cannot.
I’m out here just trying to live my life, maybe enjoy a second of peace, perhaps even sip a coffee while it’s still hot. And then, the performance begins.
He starts from a dead sleep. All of a sudden, I see one ear twitch. Then the other. Then, with the slow, agonizing drama of a Victorian lady fainting, he hauls himself to his feet.
This is where it goes off the rails.
I’m just walking toward the barn, minding my own business. Does he just walk over for a pet? Does he just give a normal, polite “good morning” bray? No. That would be too simple. That would be too reasonable.
Instead, we get the full Broadway production.
He lets out a bray that doesn’t sound like a donkey. It sounds like a pterodactyl that just got its tax bill. It’s a sound that could curdle milk. It’s a scream so loud I’m pretty sure my neighbors three miles away just fell out of their chairs.
And I’m like, “Sir? What? What is the problem? Is a predator in the pasture? Is the barn on fire? Did your Netflix subscription expire?”
I look around. The sun is shining. The other animals are peacefully grazing. There is absolutely nothing wrong. He is just having a full-blown, Monday-morning existential crisis because I looked at the chickens before I looked at him.
The level of disrespect! The audacity!
He starts running. Not just a little trot. He is galloping back and forth along the fence line, kicking his back legs up, throwing his head around, acting like he’s on stage with Beyoncé. He’s giving me all this sass, all this neck, all this attitude.
This is that pure, unadulterated Matt Mathews energy. This donkey thinks he’s the star of the whole show. He thinks this is his farm. Honey, you are a co-star at best. You are in a supporting role.
I just… I can’t. YOU’S DOIN TOO MUCH.
You are not that special. You are not the main character. You’re a donkey. Your job is to eat hay and look moderately cute, and right now you are failing at both.
I’m walking away. I’m putting you on timeout. I’m not engaging with this level of toxic energy today. Somebody has to be the adult, and it’s clearly not going to be him. I’m done. This is a hostile work environment.
