Okay, let’s just review the day, shall we?
My alarm didn’t go off. When I did wake up (in a panic), my first act as a conscious human was to stub my toe so hard, I’m pretty sure I invented a new curse word.
The coffee? Oh, the coffee was great. Especially when I spilled it directly down the front of my one clean work shirt.
I sat in traffic for 50 minutes. It’s a 15-minute commute.
I got to my desk, and my inbox was a smoking crater of other people’s emergencies. I have 47 unread emails, and every single one of them starts with either “Just circling back…” or “Per my last email…” which we all know is professional-speak for “Are you stupid, or are you just ignoring me?”
I ate a salad for lunch that tasted like sad, wet paper. I’ve had meetings about meetings. I found a spider. In my hair.
And just now, at 4:58 PM on a Friday, my boss, Karen, scheduled a “quick 30-minute touch-base” for 5:30 PM… to “ideate on our brand synergy.”
Ideate.
(You stare at the screen. Your eye starts to twitch. You look at the camera with a face of pure, existential, soul-crushing dread. Your hand is halfway to your face, frozen in a ‘why me’ gesture.)
FREEZE FRAME
(Voiceover, very serious): “Yep. That’s me. You’re probably wondering how I got here. Well, it’s 5:02 PM. My #badday has officially reached its final boss. My will to live is hanging on by a single, frayed thread. This? This is the face of defeat.”
(The video unfreezes. You stare at the meeting invite on your screen. You look back at the camera. Your expression slowly changes from ‘despair’ to ‘rebellion.’)
(Voiceover): “I had a choice. I could ‘ideate.’ Or… I could defect.”
(You reach over… and you slam the laptop shut. Not gently. You close it with the fiery passion of a thousand suns. The sound is a beautiful, final THWACK.)
CUT TO:
(The lighting is now warm and golden. You’re on your couch, feet up. You’re wearing sunglasses, even though you are inside. You’re holding a tall, frosty glass filled with a delicious-looking tropical #drink. That unmistakable #Malibu bottle is on the table next to you. A tiny paper umbrella is in your glass.)
(You take a long, slow sip. It’s the most satisfied, obnoxious ‘ahhhhh’ sip in human history.)
“This,” (you swirl the glass) “is my ‘brand synergy.'”
“This is ‘out of office’ in liquid form. This is ‘per my last email… I’m on a beach in my mind.'”
(You take another sip.)
“Listen. Life is too short for 5:30 PM meetings on a Friday. Karen can ‘ideate’ by herself. The emails can wait. The spider is, hopefully, dead.”
“I’ve made an executive decision. Effective immediately…”
(You raise the glass to the camera, a perfect, unbothered smile on your face.)
“No more bad days.”
